I turned 48 yesterday I'm just not sure how I am supposed to act now that I am that much closer to fifty. I want to say on record, I do not feel sorry for myself, and am accountable for all I utter. I choose to poke fun at my lovely figure, it's my perogative and necessary.
I notice a pair of shoes, they are so cute! Could I wear those? I look at my feet. Calluses as big as quarters, bunions a half inch thick, and cracked heels shoot a mild bolt of pain. I think I'll just stick to houseslippers and clogs.
An interesting shade of eye shadow, that might bring out the blue of my irises, new mascara promises to strengthen and lengthen my eyelashes. Facial powder, foundation and anti-aging gadgets will help get rid of those age spots and crows feet, fill in the laughlines and make you look years younger.
I sneeze applying the powder, angry red blotches rise up on my skin, and that interesting shade of eye shadow looks like I went a few rounds in the ring. From all that makeup my eyes get itchy so I rub them, it's waterproof so it doesn't smear but little clumps some off and get under the eyelids. Now I need eyedrops to wash out the mascara.
I guess I'll just stick to a facial scrub and vitamin E, it's working. Maybe I'll go wild and put chapstick on my lips.
I find myself wandering through the junior and misses clothing at the store, I hold up a blouse. How cute! I hold it to my chest, pretty sure I won't get an arm through a sleeve without it ripping completely out. Only then do I look at the tag, size 3! and it's one of those little halter top jobs I wore when I was 18. I remember my image this morning in the mirror and then look at it again. More flesh would be spilling over than the waters of Beaver Lake and Table Rock in flood stage. From the pictures on the news, I don't think I have that much hanging out, but wouldn't be caught wearing that stuff now. When I see girls who do wear these types of clothes, and they are, (how can I say this) "plump" comes to mind, (I was called that in my youth) I can't believe I wore such garb, parading around as they do now. Jeans, why would a big assed girl want to draw attention to this area? It's big enough, let alone having a glittering butterfly or puffy pockets to aid the size.
I'll stick to relaxed fit jeans that will allow me to breath when I bend over (if I have too, try to avoid that) and not cut me off when I sit down that I have to stick my leags in front of me. Shirts or blouses that won't expose any more flesh than from the elbow down and long enough they hang down to the knees. I try to stay away from bright colored, large printed flowers or patterns. Just another way to shout how large I am. Unfortunately, I love those so I'll just think of myself as a walking flower garden and be pretty
Friday, April 11, 2008
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
More stuff to share
A new laptop computer!
Finally! Still far from being totally techno, I have come a little further into the wonderful world of computers and computing with my very own Dell Inspirion laptop. "Spring Green" it is, and only 17.99 a week from my paycheck. In just one year it will be paid off and hopefully by then I will have become accustomed to it, and have it internet accessed. I got this mainly for writing. With it, I can go sit on the couch, hang out upstairs in the bed and work on my novel (s), short stories or poems. Even better, sitting outside or anywhere as long as I keep the battery charged. To save on the battery I will probably keep it plugged into an outlet when I'm near one. While I still enjoy writing in longhand, it may get to a point where I won't be able to, and so what better way than electronically!
Now a word or two about the last two monts of being smoke free.....
I have to admit, I still have strong cravings for the nicotine sometimes. Although farther apart, they have gotten so overpowering , it nearly drives me insane! I get over the episode but man, I guess it's true that Nicotine is harder to kick than Heroine (I've never tried it by the way). I quit once for a year, give or take a day. I gained fifty pounds because food tasted soooo wonderful! I've quit many times, some lasting three to four days, to only a few hours. This time it's for good. I've decided I really do not want to go through this again. Sometimes number one is great, sometimes it's a repeat of something you should have never repeated, like smoking. Someone I knew told me he had dreams for nearly thirty years about smoking. He said that one day he ran out of smokes and decided that was it. But, when he slept he said he just smoked and smoked and smoked, blew smoke rings, inhaled deep without coughing, just relaxing and smoking. In the last few years he says he has not had the dream, but found it funny he did for so long. I've had smoking dreams and yes, it's true, I just sit there and smoke, and smoke, and smoke. Loving every minute of it! I've heard that those who have quit for years still have the cravings. I do think though now days with smoking banned in many public places, it will be easier to control the "jonesing" for a smoke. I haven't gone to a bar since quitting. Most of you know my husband is a musician and from time to time I go to his gigs. He's come home from them and the smell from cigarettes is as thick as a pollution ring over Los Angeles.
It's not the cigarettes I'll have the need for though. Before I quit, I started smoking the flavored cigars, the little ones. One thing they were/are cheap,( less than a dollar a pack). they don't stink like cigarettes, the flavored ones smell like the flavor they are, peach, vanilla, cherry (you get the idea) and I thought they were quite fitting with my writer's image. I'd rather not carry that image to the point of being strapped to an oxygen machine twenty-four hours a day just because I thought it was cool to smoke tiny cigars.
I've had many people supporting me and would like to thank everyone for that. I love you all for caring!
Finally! Still far from being totally techno, I have come a little further into the wonderful world of computers and computing with my very own Dell Inspirion laptop. "Spring Green" it is, and only 17.99 a week from my paycheck. In just one year it will be paid off and hopefully by then I will have become accustomed to it, and have it internet accessed. I got this mainly for writing. With it, I can go sit on the couch, hang out upstairs in the bed and work on my novel (s), short stories or poems. Even better, sitting outside or anywhere as long as I keep the battery charged. To save on the battery I will probably keep it plugged into an outlet when I'm near one. While I still enjoy writing in longhand, it may get to a point where I won't be able to, and so what better way than electronically!
Now a word or two about the last two monts of being smoke free.....
I have to admit, I still have strong cravings for the nicotine sometimes. Although farther apart, they have gotten so overpowering , it nearly drives me insane! I get over the episode but man, I guess it's true that Nicotine is harder to kick than Heroine (I've never tried it by the way). I quit once for a year, give or take a day. I gained fifty pounds because food tasted soooo wonderful! I've quit many times, some lasting three to four days, to only a few hours. This time it's for good. I've decided I really do not want to go through this again. Sometimes number one is great, sometimes it's a repeat of something you should have never repeated, like smoking. Someone I knew told me he had dreams for nearly thirty years about smoking. He said that one day he ran out of smokes and decided that was it. But, when he slept he said he just smoked and smoked and smoked, blew smoke rings, inhaled deep without coughing, just relaxing and smoking. In the last few years he says he has not had the dream, but found it funny he did for so long. I've had smoking dreams and yes, it's true, I just sit there and smoke, and smoke, and smoke. Loving every minute of it! I've heard that those who have quit for years still have the cravings. I do think though now days with smoking banned in many public places, it will be easier to control the "jonesing" for a smoke. I haven't gone to a bar since quitting. Most of you know my husband is a musician and from time to time I go to his gigs. He's come home from them and the smell from cigarettes is as thick as a pollution ring over Los Angeles.
It's not the cigarettes I'll have the need for though. Before I quit, I started smoking the flavored cigars, the little ones. One thing they were/are cheap,( less than a dollar a pack). they don't stink like cigarettes, the flavored ones smell like the flavor they are, peach, vanilla, cherry (you get the idea) and I thought they were quite fitting with my writer's image. I'd rather not carry that image to the point of being strapped to an oxygen machine twenty-four hours a day just because I thought it was cool to smoke tiny cigars.
I've had many people supporting me and would like to thank everyone for that. I love you all for caring!
Monday, April 7, 2008
Vacation?
A lot has gone on since my last post. Again, it does not seem that time flew by so fast, but judging from the last time I was here, apparently it has.
The last two weeks have been hectic! Once again, our treatment plant is undergoing more changes, upgrades from manual settings to computerized ones. When all is said and done, we operators should be able to monitor all or most of our "goings on" from a monitor. It's going to be a pain to start, getting the "bugs" worked out, and many spills I'm quite positive will occur. There will be more on this later, as of yesterday, Sunday, when I finally left, my boss and maintainence "manager" were still waiting for the technicians installing this wonderful system to return from wherever it was they went with a vital piece of a program.
As much as I want to get in on this (hummm, ahem) I, am on vacation! There are always many things to be done during this time, most of which I hope will have me finishing my synopsis of "Savant" I beleive I am on the right track now and the rough draft is looking pretty good. Now, if I can just get to the end of it, I keep dragging it out, gotta find a way to get the bad guy!
On Thursday. I will turn 48, God, where did the time go? It really blows my mind I have gone so far down the road of life and I turn to look back. I still haven't accomplished what I want, done the things I'd like to do or really made any great and wonderful strides in my life. I guess that's me looking out, perhaps it looks better from the other side. I know I could have done many things much differently, but I can't change them now. I will just have to work on what's on the plate now. I don't feel (mentally) that old. I remember how I thought 50 was soooo old, of course that line of thinking has completely changed! Walk a 30 mile walk-a-thon? When I was 15, 20, no problem....now, no way! My feet have slapped so much concrete in the past 22 years, I am amazed I can walk as much as I do now! I find I do alright until I have sat still for longer than 10 minutes, then I stand up. Stooped in pain, I hobble for the first minute until I get the blood going again, then I'm good to go. Shoulders hurt, elbows and hands now have a dull, numbing pain from time to time, they say surgery will take care of that, maybe. *Smirk* I'd rather have a hot poker up my ass than have to fork out money for a procedure which may or may not work. So I use weights, this helps more than anything and gets blood flowing and the numbness goes away. Damn vultures anyway. I do think it would be kinda cool to unscrew the old feet and put new ones on, but I do not want amputation!
Well, this is just insane.....two more days just went right on by me!!!!!!!!!
The last two weeks have been hectic! Once again, our treatment plant is undergoing more changes, upgrades from manual settings to computerized ones. When all is said and done, we operators should be able to monitor all or most of our "goings on" from a monitor. It's going to be a pain to start, getting the "bugs" worked out, and many spills I'm quite positive will occur. There will be more on this later, as of yesterday, Sunday, when I finally left, my boss and maintainence "manager" were still waiting for the technicians installing this wonderful system to return from wherever it was they went with a vital piece of a program.
As much as I want to get in on this (hummm, ahem) I, am on vacation! There are always many things to be done during this time, most of which I hope will have me finishing my synopsis of "Savant" I beleive I am on the right track now and the rough draft is looking pretty good. Now, if I can just get to the end of it, I keep dragging it out, gotta find a way to get the bad guy!
On Thursday. I will turn 48, God, where did the time go? It really blows my mind I have gone so far down the road of life and I turn to look back. I still haven't accomplished what I want, done the things I'd like to do or really made any great and wonderful strides in my life. I guess that's me looking out, perhaps it looks better from the other side. I know I could have done many things much differently, but I can't change them now. I will just have to work on what's on the plate now. I don't feel (mentally) that old. I remember how I thought 50 was soooo old, of course that line of thinking has completely changed! Walk a 30 mile walk-a-thon? When I was 15, 20, no problem....now, no way! My feet have slapped so much concrete in the past 22 years, I am amazed I can walk as much as I do now! I find I do alright until I have sat still for longer than 10 minutes, then I stand up. Stooped in pain, I hobble for the first minute until I get the blood going again, then I'm good to go. Shoulders hurt, elbows and hands now have a dull, numbing pain from time to time, they say surgery will take care of that, maybe. *Smirk* I'd rather have a hot poker up my ass than have to fork out money for a procedure which may or may not work. So I use weights, this helps more than anything and gets blood flowing and the numbness goes away. Damn vultures anyway. I do think it would be kinda cool to unscrew the old feet and put new ones on, but I do not want amputation!
Well, this is just insane.....two more days just went right on by me!!!!!!!!!
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